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14 October 2006 @ 05:15 pm
In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone  

stolen from jackie

You scored as Luna Lovegood. You're an extreme introvert and because of this, are also a deep thinker. You ponder things others would never dream of pondering and stand with your beliefs without backing down. You find it more valuable to daydream than to socialize, because there's so much more going on in your head than others'. Most people don't understand it, but you seem to prefer it that way.


Luna Lovegood


Draco Malfoy


Ron Weasley


Harry Potter


Neville Longbottom


Severus Snape


Sirius Black


Bellatrix Lestrange


Albus Dumbledore


Hermione Granger


Lord Voldemort


Oliver Wood


Remus Lupin


Percy Weasley


Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test
created with QuizFarm.com

I hate this time of the month. I feel sad, lonely, pissed-off, and self-pitying all at once. I am starting to feel animosity towards some of my friends. Granted, since I am always a bit of a bitch, I have those feelings often about one of my particular friends. But now I feel that way towards...well, everyone just about. One second, I am almost in tears, "Oh, boo hoo, no one really knows or loves me, I am a whiny little bitch" *waterworks* Like, being the dork that I am, compare it to Willow when Tara was killed. Tara was the only one who could see her, make her feel special, not like the geek she once was. I keep thinking I will never have that. Then I realize that isn't fair of me, since I don't open up.

Then I get bitter and angry. No one would even care if I opened up. That I am merely an extra in the movie of life. Just there for atmosphere. Nobody notices I am there, but they would if I was gone.

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Chesire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villians in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who looks so very vibrant and shimmery, but who is in fact soon going to be gone. When you look at that picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible, getting covered over more thickly with darkness, coats and coats of darkness that are going to suffocate me in the sweltering heat of the summer sun that I can't even see anymore, even though I can feel it burn."--Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation.

I haven't felt this desperation so acutely in over a year. It as if I am hyperventilating, and no matter what, I can't catch my breath.

I can imagine, sitting in a bar, at a party; sipping a drink of some clear liquor, perhaps smoking a black cigarette, and slowly evaporating. Ever so slowly, fading out of the picture, like in movies, when the main character realizes they are only imagining you.

Or I feel like a kid, at some grown-ups' Christmas party. Sneak up to the bedroom, hide under everyone's heavy winter coats, fall into that deep sleep only children seem to be capable of, and no one knows I am there, or can ever find me.

Comments disabled on purpose.
Current Location: the foot of the bed
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Listening/Watching: "The Sound of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel